What I learned from working out without forcing myself

All my life I've been struggling to "get into shape" and "lose weight". Sure, growing up in the early 2000s is definitely to blame, because somehow as a girl it seems that you are never "skinny" enough, and that your one dream in life is to fit in those pants that are 2 sizes too small for you. Bonus point if you grew up in East Asia like me, where if you are "fat" (that is : "not thin", because what is "mid size" right), you are labelled as not disciplined enough, even if you are the most disciplined in other ways (for example, doing well at school).

But when the scale read 105 kg for my 1m68 self, I could no longer lie and say I don't care because I'm trying to beat the beauty standards. I knew it was no longer a matter of beauty, but of health : if you're in your 20s and already prone to being out of breath, you need to do something.

It was frustrating, really : in the past I had tried to lose weight three times, in vain. I gained every kilo back after a while, and I realised that it was by no means sustainable to only eat yoghurt and fruit for dinner (I still get nauseous just thinking about it) and work out 3 hours a day.

And most importantly, I love food. I'm glad to be able to admit this now, even in public, because growing up it was something that was frowned upon. Due to allergies there are already foods I cannot eat, and to be honest, I don't want to spend the rest of my life avoiding what I can and want to eat just so that I could become skinny.

It's all about "calories in and calories out", right. So the only option, besides literally starving myself, was to find a way to move more. Luckily, I made the decision at the beginning of last year to move to a smaller city, where gyms are never too far away and my wonderful student accommodation also has a partnership with a yoga studio.

Ever since then, I've been testing out various workouts, including machines at the gym that used to scare me.

At the beginning of this year, I made a goal of attending 100 workout classes in 2024. Last night, I finally reached 50 classes and decided to write something : so here is what I learned from working out semi-consistently over the past 1 year and a half.

1.⁠ ⁠Work out for the good reasons. Why do you want to do it in the first place ? To lose weight, to gain weight, or to have muscles ? And why is that ? Is it to feel the best in your body, or is it because someone else will find you attractive ? In the past, I would work out only because everyone has been telling me "you'd be so pretty if you were thinner", and I wanted to be pretty in their eyes. Needless to say, that never really worked because of the lack of internal motivation, and because I never seemed to be "thin enough". This time, however, my goal is pretty clear : I want to be healthy and live a long, fulfilling life.

June 2017, when I was 21. I still remember looking into the mirror and thinking I was fat : looking back, I realise that I developed during that time a severe body dysmorphia disorder.

Taken recently before going to a pool party. I haven't weighed myself over the past year, because I still have some troubles with seeing numbers on the scale (in the past, everyone in my family was encouraged to weigh themselves twice a day). I still have a long way to go, but I am on the right path and I do feel pretty in this photo. "Fat" is not a dirty word and does not mean "ugly" : something I had to learn and am still learning.

2. Try to find something you like by testing things out. I've always hated running : for me, it is too repetitive and demands a lot of patience, something I don't exactly have yet. So obviously, when my dad told me that my aunt lost weight by running, it sparked some motivation in me for five seconds and that was it. Fortunately, I have tested out a bunch of workout classes at my gym, and found the ones I would actually miss if I don't have the time to go : namely, yoga, pilates, step (where you have to go up and down a step in different ways) and body pump (a fast-paced, barbell-based workout). Right now, I am excited to test out aquagym and aquabike this summer.

Do I see myself running in the future ? Maybe, but I'd be totally ok if I never end up liking it. We'll see !

Taken after my first body pump class : I got the lightest weights available (2 kg x 2) and I wasn't doing everything perfectly, but it was amazing to see what my body can already do.

3. Group classes really can motivate you. To be honest, this was a surprising piece of information, even for myself. I used to think that group classes would just bring me back to school where I had bad memories associated to P.E. classes, but that could not be further away from the truth : it turned out that things are a lot easier if you are an adult who willingly go to a class you choose for yourself for the good reasons, and meeting like-minded people in the same classroom really is a blessing rather than a curse. Being bad at PE at school doesn't mean it's over for you and definitely doesn't define your future.

4. You don’t have to be good at it. I suck or almost suck at the aforementioned sports class I love : I'm nowhere near the level of flexibility I want to achieve in pilates and yoga, I physically shake during body pump, and there are parts in step that neither my body nor my brain can comprehend to this day. But still, I show up for those classes and every time I do the best I can while appreciating what I can already do. I'm proud to say that I am visibly getting better at downward dogs in yoga, and I can follow most of the moves in step (confirmed by my teachers too!).

5. Tell just enough people about your workout plans. A lot of us have, I imagine, people in our lives who genuinely want to support us but don't exactly know how. That is the case with my dad, who would give me kind but unsollicited advices (sometimes, bad advice) when I used to keep him informed of every workout I did : it was extremely hard for both of us, since I would not listen to his advices that didn't serve me, and my dad would not understand why I didn't appreciate his effort. Nowadays only a few friends of mine know about my workout plans, and my dad only knows I'm getting better at what I'm doing.

6. Make a habit tracker if you want, but don’t make it too complicated. As someone who is super organised in her day-to-day, I thought it would be easy to track my workouts every day in detail and even bought a workout tracker notebook at some point. I ended up giving away the notebook I barely touched : I simply had too much to do besides working out, and it was not realistic for me to track everything.

Right now, I'm satisfied with a handwritten 100-day tracker on my door (for now it's actually a 90-day tracker, but I'll figure out how to track the last 10 days) : every time I finish a class, I come back home and tick one number off.

Just reached 50 classes !

7. You do feel better after working out. Some days I find myself not as motivated as I usually am, and almost decide not to go to the gym (most of the time I end up going anyways). However, as soon as I am in that one class or on that one machine, I instantly feel better : it turns out that your body does crave movement, even when your brain doesn't.

8. If you're a girl like me (or anyone like me, for that matter), remember : machines are not as scary as they seem, and no person in their rightful mind will judge you for not being as strong as they are.

This is where I am currently at when it comes to leg workout : I am by no means the strongest person at my gym, but I am getting stronger every day.

9. Do not blame yourself if life happens and you get out of the habit. You can always start over and do better if you really care. Sometimes life gets hard and you find yourself running on 5 hours of sleep and having no time or motivation to work out : that was me from May to June, when even getting out of bed counted as a win. The last thing you want to do when that happens is to beat yourself up and call yourself a loser, because you really aren't. Gyms and classes (either in person, or online) are always open and waiting for you : you also need to wait for yourself and be nicer to yourself. You will have enough time and motivation, and you can get back on track.

I hope this post gives you some hope & motivation : I know I am feeling motivated to move my body today.

Love,

Mélo