Where do I even begin (2024 updates)

I cried after facetiming a friend for New Year's Eve countdown : even back then I had a feeling that this year would not be an easy one.

So far, it has been anything but easy. I'm writing this post in a guest room in the center of Saarbrücken (Germany), after a long day of trying to navigate the city with my broken German (my accent is good enough for people to speak to me only in this language in supermarkets, so there's that).

The textured anti-stress wheel sticker I have right beneath my laptop keyboard tells me that when I'm anxious, I should focus on :

1 emotion I can feel : anxiety, duh - or sadness ? ;

2 things I can smell : my hair still a bit wet from the shower, smelling like ... water ?? and the stuffed animal (Shamu the orca from Sea World) I'm holding that smells more and more like me ("stole" her from a friend for this trip) ;

3 things I can hear : the sound of my keyboard ("why do you write like you're running out of time ?"), my own breath, my hair touching the headboard slat of the bed (yes I just googled "parts of the bed") ;

4 things I can see : my hands, the gray curtains, the lamp, a cup of half-finished bubble tea ;

5 things I can feel : the keyboard on my laptop, a thin quilt, my stuffed animal, the bedsheet and my glasses.

If there's anything constant so far this year, it is the fact that everything is subject to change. It's a lesson I've been learning repeatedly ever since the beginning of the year.

New Year Resolution 1 : Make time for language learning and take 3 language exams.

Result 1 : Barely having time for 1 language (German) and lost interest in language exams completely.

Resolution 2 : Finish my PhD thesis by June and start looking for a job.

Result 2 : In need of another year of PhD. Looking for a job though (I'll explain soon).

Resolution 3 : Eat healthily and go to the gym more often.

Result 3 : [looking at my bubble tea and chips] I have been taking classes at the gym and am planning to work out more during summer (for real, since I am taking at least 1 month off).

Etc.

So yeah, it is safe to say now that I have failed most of my New Year Resolutions. The ironic part ? I made a vision board for the first time.

Now for the life update part.

Academic burnout hit again after 2021 : for the past few months I have not only been a "pro" at ignoring signs from my own body (feeling tired even after a good night's rest), but also refusing to believe my friends when they say I look like I need to slow down a little bit.

My brain is a mess and after about six years living in a foreign country, I am slowly "losing my native language" : sure, it has been a few years since I speak better English and French than Chinese (thanks to being chronically online ??), but it is the first time that I have to rely on translation tools when I have to speak to my family about complicated things. I suffer from headache when I have to read in Chinese, and every time I speak the language it's like running a marathon : reaching the finishing line is satisfying, but I will be in desperate need of recharging my batteries. At the moment, I am also unable to process feelings in Chinese : I need to translate my dad's warm messages using a translation app before being able to feel said warmth.

I've been suffering from self-doubt, overthinking about the fact that 10 years after my university entrance exam back in China, I am still a student while my peers have been working for at least five years. "Comparison is the thief of joy", they say, but it is hard to be 27, almost 28 and still being financially dependent on my family (I wonder if we are just built this way : at my age, some people are desperate to fall in love and start a family, while others are desperate to start a career asap to show the world that they are truly grown-ups).

I've been feeling this.

I've been feeling that.

I've been feeling a lot, all at once.

But I'm still holding on to that thing we call "future".

I don't even know how to finish this post, but I hope that in a while (a week ? a month ? three months ? ) I'll be able to write again and share better news. We'll see !

Until next time,

Mélodie

Left : girl (27) still trying to get her life together.

Right : boy (17) with whom she fell in love at 17.