Life, just life (pre-mid year review / life update / rambling)

A pretty personal and messy life update : to live when nothing is happening and everything is happening.

I have a feeling that I'm living in a different time zone as most people I encounter : a third space, or a bubble, if you will.

Being a PhD student living in a different city as that of your university's is...special. Even I cannot find the exact words to describe how I feel, but I do feel more like a full-time "person" and a part-time "academic machine", which clearly suits me better than the opposite. Sometimes, when I go out to look at the trees, I wish time could stop : I hardly remember feeling that way before, probably once or twice in 2020 or 2021, but that's about it. For once, in the month of May, I am still working towards my goals AND feeling good about it.

I'm still busy, and I still will be for a long time to come. But that doesn't stop me from giving myself enough time to read, to write, and to go out for a walk. For the first time I kind of understand what work-life balance means. I've also been searching help from health professionals when I need : nice ladies to whom I feel comfortable sharing the "not so glamorous" part of my life.

It feels nice to be 26, almost 27. The other day I was telling my cousin, a psychology major student, how it weirded me out that I didn't even cry after a horrible nightmare. I thought I was depressed for not feeling the urge to, but she said it's more likely that I"m becoming emotionally mature. It's about time, she told me.

For once, it feels good to be kind of mature. I used to be afraid of this word : teenage me thought being mature meant wearing uncomfortable clothes and high heels (both of which I hate), talking about business and other boring stuff. But when I'm really closer to 30 than to 15, I can see a different reality than what I pictured in my head : it can also be a girl in her most comfortable clothes, listening to bird songs or just preparing her favourite meal. Even when I start working - hopefully soon - I don't have to be anyone other than the version of myself I truly like.

I've still got things to deal with in life, sooner or later. But for once, I am loving living in the present moment. There is no rush, and I appreciate it this way.

Whisper of the heart (1995), one of my favourite moments.